Biscotti
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Chocolate Chip
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Oatmeal
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Biscotti
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Limone
(GF, TNF, PF) “Gallia est divisa in partes tres.” That’s Latin for “why didn’t I sign up for Spanish in high school?” Seemed like a good idea at the time, though – all of the history, all of the roots of language, and all of the culture of the Roman Empire. They say that Rome was founded by the twins – Romulus and Remus. We think it was founded on a lemon biscotti. |
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Cioccolato
(GF, PF) Every coin must have two sides. Just as there is a light side to all things in the universe, there is also a dark side. This time, though, that’s a good thing – a very, very good thing. As it’s a biscotti covered in dark chocolate. Very, very. |
Chocolate Chip
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Jefferson
(GF, TNF, PF, CF) Thomas Jefferson – statesman, President, dueler, and lover of chocolate. When Jefferson lucked upon a cash-strapped France who was willing to part with the Louisiana territory, he acted. Louis and Clark were sent across country not to find the Northwest Passage, but to keep them away from Jefferson’s cupboard where he kept his cookies. Jefferson was a good man, but lousy at sharing. Gotta keep an eye on those redheads. |
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Monroe
(GF, EF, TNF, PF) Most historians keep secrets. Everyone knows about the Monroe Doctrine, where America promised to protect the western hemisphere from outside influences. The part the history books left out is that they thought this up while eating cookies from the Monroe Napkin, on which was a great chocolate chip cookie protected from outside allergens. True story. |
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Adams
(GF, DF, SF, TNF, PF) The family so nice, they gave us a President twice. Though John was the 2nd President, it’s his son, John Quincy, who loved this particular cookie. The Cherokee Nation, to whom John Quincy Adams fought to protect during his time in office, gave him the recipe to their sacred Great Cookie with No Running Milk. This is (not) that cookie. But it’s good. |
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Madison
(GF, DF, SF, EF, TNF, PF, CF) The Father of the Constitution, James Madison liked him some chocolate chip action. The War of 1812 between the United States and Britain boiled down to a state dinner at which President Madison asked Prime Minister Jenkinson if he’d like a tasty desert. The President offered a “cookie,” while the PM corrected him that it was a “biscuit.” Things got out of hand pretty quickly. We got a song out of the war, at least. End of the day, it’s your patriotic duty to eat this cookie. |
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Jackson
(GF, DF, SF, EF, TNF, PF) Andrew Jackson, aka “King Mob,” was a man who knew how to get down. At his Inauguration in 1829, the average man descended on Washington DC to join the party. Granted, they kind of destroyed the place in the process, but they all had a great time (thought that may have been the punch being served out of tubs on the White House lawn). But it wasn’t Ol’ Hickory they came for – it was the chocolate chip cookies they had. |
Oatmeal
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Chewy Shot First
(GF, SF, PF, CF) So, I’m sitting there. Two guys are over in the corner arguing about something – sounded like somebody owed someone else money. I don’t know for sure – couldn’t really place the accent on the one guy, but he wasn’t from around here. Me, I reached down to get another one of the most delicious oatmeal cookie I ever had. Some big guy covered in hair from head to toe takes a shot at me! I put down the cookie and left it for him – his ricochet put down one of the guys in the argument, though. All I know is that I miss this cookie that I had a long, long time ago. |
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Chewy Shot First / No Milk
(GF, DF, SF, PF) The other guy had a bunch of friends who like the oatmeal cookies, too. One of them liked them, but he preferred them with no dairy. He said he’d had some just as good back home at his tree house in the forest. I asked him if he could go back and get some for me, and he obliged. How did he get back there? ‘e walked. |
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Chewy on the Vine
(GF, SF, PF, CF) Turns out the big guy liked his oatmeal cookies with raisins. You don’t ask an eight foot guy to repeat himself, you just ask him if he wants another plateful. |
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Chewy on the Vine/ No Milk
(GF, DF, SF, PF) Turns out what you should ask him, though, is if he’s lactose intolerant. Twice he got the wrong kind of cookie at the gift shop aboard a ship… Twice the plumbing backed up on said ships. I’m not really sure what really went down after that, but we got out of there fast. |
Lemon
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Pucker Up
(GF, SF, TNF, PF, CF) My kid asked me, “mom, do you know what lemonade is?” I said, “no honey, what is it?” “It’s when you help an old lemon across the street!” From that day, I vowed to help every lemon into a zester, juicer, oven, and into my belly. |
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Pucker Up No Milk
(GF, DF, SF, TNF, PF) During the Gold Rush of 1849, miners throughout the west coast were willing to pay huge sums of money for lemons. Ever since then lemon trees have been found all over the west. Celebrate your bling with this little slice ‘o gold. |
Peanut Butter
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Kissin’ Cousins
Yeah, we all know what’s going on here. They used to taste so much better when we were kids. The chocolate changed, the peanut butter wasn’t as fresh. These cookies? Peanut butter and CHOCOLATE. The other ones? Kissing your sister. |
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Second Cousins
Sometimes, you just want a good ol' peanut butter cookie, complete with crossed forks. And, well, since these are second cousins... It's legal in all fifty states to cross forks. |
Vanilla
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Party Girl
(GF, SF, TNF, PF, CF) Vanilla. Who knew? Thomas Jefferson, that’s who. He brought the vanilla bean to the US in 1789 – and now, we’re the #1 consumer of vanilla in the world. It’s one of the world’s most labor-intensive agricultural crops – it can take up to three years after the vines are planted before the first flowers appear. The fruits, which resemble large green beans, remain on the vine for nine months in order to completely develop their signature aroma. But get this – the beans are harvested when still partially green. They don’t even develop their flavor until the curing and drying process. Ponder that while you eat a second and third one because they’re just that good. |
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Party Girl No Milk
(GF, DF, SF, TNF, PF) They didn’t drink milk in the Aztec Empire. The vanilla bean came from the eastern coast of Mexico, the heart of the Aztec empire. The best way to eat an authentic vanilla cookie, therefore, is the dairy free version. Look it up. |
Cinnamon
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Guffawdoodle
(GF, SF, TNF, PF, CF) Snicker: intransitive verb \ˈsni-kər\ - To make a short, quiet laugh in a way that shows disrespect. Guffaw: noun \(ˌ)gə-ˈfȯ, ˈgə-ˌfȯ\ - A loud or boisterous burst of laughter. Don’t be disrespectful – go for the Guffawdoodle and don’t be ashamed to really enjoy your life. |
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Guffawdoodle / No Milk
(GF, DF, SF, TNF, PF) And, if you’re really going to have a boisterous laugh, you don’t want to have your mouthful of milk. Trust us on this one. |
Macaroon
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Coco Loco
(GF, PF, CF) I knew things were gonna get wild up crazy when I saw Larry in line behind me. “Hey, stack of deliciousness – there’s a party in my mouth, and everyone’s invited!” Yeah, I bought the last of the Coco Locos, just to spite him. “I cornered the Coco Locos, Larry. Laugh if you can!” So, conveniently, Larry left, leaving me to my luscious Coco Loco cookie loveliness. See? |
Zebras
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Zebras
(GF, PF, TNF, CF) I was visiting Africa and lost my book of recipes. Months later, a zebra came to our house and rang the doorbell – and it had my missing recipe book in its mouth. I cried out “it’s a miracle!” |
